It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but I felt like today, of all days, this needed to be said: 

This morning I woke up numb. 

It’s out of my control. 

Last night was terrifying, watching the senate turn red, along with the presidency. 

It’s out of my control. 

Tomorrow is even more uncertain, not just for me, but for my POC and LGBTQ+ friends. For the immigrants. For anyone who isn’t Christian and evangelical. 

It’s out of my control. 

The first thought I had when I got in the shower was: what if I start eating clean again, and get my body back “into shape?” 

The thought bubbled up so unexpectedly that it caught me off guard. I don’t think like this anymore, and yet, here we are. 

A thought that was etched into my brain after years of trying to get control back from bullies. From my family. From money fears and fears of not being enough. 

And if I had that thought today, five years into a pretty damn solid recovery, then I am scared for those who are still particularly vulnerable. 

Look, I know I’ve stepped away from the body image stuff for a while, but I felt like I needed to reach out to you today. 

The world is a really scary and out of control place, and I think the veil has been lifted for a lot of us who thought that maybe, just maybe, we had a little more control than we do. 

But the answer is NOT going back to your eating disordered and/or exercise addicted behaviors. The answer is NOT trying to take back control of your body because it’s the one thing that you  “can” control. 

The answer is not self-harm. The world is harmful enough. Being thin or lean or strong or whatever word you might use to justify what you’re about to do to yourself is not going to solve the problems in America. 

Turning inward and shutting down will not solve the problems. 

Naomi Wolf said that an obsession with beauty and thinness is about obedience. For those of you who proudly bought Nasty Women T-shirts or posted your feminism on social media, now is the time to carry those phrases into action. For those of you who voted quietly but happily, now is the time to make your vote truly count. 

We will not be obedient. We will not make ourselves smaller and weaker. We will not let the forces of hate — including the ones that speak up within your own head — win. 

Make me that promise today. Make yourself that promise today. 

Please recover. All the way. Please take up space. Please refuse to shut down. Please know that I love you, and that, while the future is uncertain and no one can make you any promises about what comes next, the only certainty is defeat if we let ED take away our bodies and our voices. 

Please reach out to me today if you need me. I am at work, but I will be here for you. 

Love always, and keep glittering, 

Kaila